Open Your Eyes …

•February 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment

~~~

I have something special for you today – NOT written by me!

It is, however, written by a kind and gentle soul, with a kindred spirit. Her song is one that resonates; one that bubbles up from the well-spring of a common humanity. It is the song we sing within the quiet and pained spaces of our hearts, our minds and sometimes out loud, in whispered and tendered voice, even when our beloved cannot hear us. It is a song of love that arises when we are in touch with those threads that bind us to our most raw and natural selves – in those places where we dream of love – of loves past, loves lost, unrequited and, perhaps, a love that is yet to be.

And I am honored to host it here.

I offer it to you now …

~~~

A longing for real and undefinable
A love lost, a friend lost, unmistakable.

I wake one day, a shattered universe
All but at my heels
Things long loved and dreamt about
Lost, painful as it feels

Chorus:
Open your eyes……..
and Breathe me in…. I love you.
Open your eyes!
Breathe me in, I love you!
Open your eyes……
See me before you…..
Open your eyes…..
Open your eyes, God damn you!

Put to tune, I sing myself to sleep
I wonder how and where
with whom you fall asleep
In my darkest dreams,
Lost, nightmares I now keep.

Sleep….

2nd Chorus:
Close your eyes
and breath me in…I love you
Close your eyes
Breath me in, I love you
Close your eyes!
See me before you…
Close your eyes…..
Close your eyes, God damn you!

Our dreams…
Is all that we have left
I am here, behind your eyes….
I love you.

~~~

Tolerance

•February 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If i temper my tolerances, i would be living a lie, but if i tolerate temperance, i will have mastered the art of self-control ~ humble me

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The New Madness:

see, hear, feel…
everywhere,
everything,
everyone …
is Him.
Perceptions
deceive me;
for it is only me,
in want of Him.

Carrying torches,
lighting the way,
into darkened labyrinths
of infernal passages,
unto the sanctuary
of imaginations,
i fall …

What do
the charmed ones
know of
salted paths
of desperation
and agony,
opened veins
and the living dead?

no really, tell me.

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“But if there seems little reason for literary people to concern themselves with Sade, he has found a new lease of life among philosophers and anthropologists. Bored and uneasy with our little lives we resort to the greater amplitude of symbols. Bardot, Byron, Hitler, Hemingway, Monroe, Sade: we do not require our heroes to be subtle, just to be big. Then we can depend on someone to make them subtle.” (D.J. Enright in ‘The Marquis and the Madame’, in Conspirators and Poets, 1966)

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Perhaps that
is my problem,
if it be
an incestuous relation
with nature;
which wants to
feel the bite
of cruel incisors …
and the sting
of your mind,
as your soul
consumes me.
Lay your hands
upon my throat
as i fade,
kiss me back
into your lungs.

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Inkwells

•February 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

***

The Pen Never Lies

*

A right slant
Future facing
pushing into and
against the wind
Always Forward
Marching
Ahead

Pressure …
only just enough
secretly displaying
Determination
Character
Strength
Will

Charting
new courses
for His direction
needs no leader
nor guide-map:
Steadfast
In His own
Write

I, not
exaggerated
Graceful scrawl
well-proportioned
ego does not impede
artful endings
Composed

Exposed
Writ of words
in wisdom -
Contained
Within them …
Entire worlds
Balance on edges
Delicate and
Fragile

***

Love or Sex?

•February 4, 2010 • 2 Comments

That was the question …

***

Today, I decided to pay a visit to OGAG (i just adore that acronym) and this is the topic of the week, so I decided to weigh in on the subject, for once.

Love or Sex? That’s an easy one to answer – Both, preferably.

If I had to choose only one? – it would most certainly be love.

In my relationships, I’ve never been able to separate the two with any success.

It always took a standard course: I liked him, enjoyed his company, became interested in spending more time with him, we became friends and it went from the brain to the heart, to below the waist and into one of the several relationships I’ve shared with a few men during my four-odd decades on this earth.

It was always a predictable path for me.

The one-night stand I -tried- to have? turned into many, long years with one man. So much for that!

Although I’m no angel, I did finally manage.

But, back to the issue of love vs. sex: Personally, when I am passionate about, deeply involved with, and intimate with a man who ‘fits’ me – I commit and love, deeply. And that leads into my becoming insatiable, devoted, protective, and yes, even possessive – maybe a bit obsessive.

Although, considering my patterns: once the love (trust) began to fade, or fail, so did the desire and craving for my partner, so that simplifies and defines my lovestyle, right down to the nutshell. I cannot have one without the other, but I can live without sex, and have done so for quite some time now.

I’ve also been without love in my life, for a very long time.

If you’ve read here for any amount of time, you are already aware of the fact that, for me – A return to love is, and can be, frightening at times; it can be needy, dependent, volatile and mutable. Love can also be taken for granted and abused, and lose its fire for myriad reasons – some of which I’ve written about in this blog. It hasn’t always been an easy path for me, But …

I loved the men that I became involved with – even when the love felt more like a comfortable, faded pair of jeans. But, I much prefer fire, and have experienced that – up-close and personal – with just one man, thus far.

It was the kind of love one both hopes for, and fears.

To want, to need … to desire someone – That. Much. – The type of love that burns white-hot, with the potential of burning itself out quickly if one, or both, partners intent is not rooted in honesty and a firm foundation and, reciprocity and trust. It was a love that had the potential to utterly destroy; and that, my friend, is the depth of devotion that scares the hell out of me, but I still yearn for that surrender. It was an all-consuming, obsessive, aggressive and even dangerous love, but it was also, or rather, has the potential to be, above all else – extraordinarily beautiful, invigorating, life-enhancing, and even life-changing.

If not always for the better.

Do I need to be loved and, do I want to love again? Of course I do.

I don’t take it lightly and, don’t fall into it easily. But, once I do – oh, God.

And Sex? Bah! Sex can be had easily, if that’s what one is looking for – that just isn’t my style.

Love is the path I invariably must take to get to the intimacy and intricacies of sex.

I don’t need a pacifier: I will fight for love – I will not fight for sex.

If I had to give up sex for love? I could – and have, in the past.

Would I choose passion, obsession, intensity, soul-baring intimacy, volatility and risk, with sex – over a comfortable, easy-going, stable, predictable, more companionable and less gratifying love, without much sex, or none?

You bet I would.

***

Today …

•February 3, 2010 • 2 Comments

If I don’t publish this now – I won’t …
I’m not going to fancy it up, or clean it up; this is what came out, this is how it publishes.
It’s just another one of those days.

***

Today is one of those days when…
my heart feels barely contained within my chest.

Today is one of those days when…
i cannot take a breath without being aware of the ache.

Today is one of those days when…
i want to send an e-mail and ask, ‘How can i help ease your pain and doubts?’

Today is one of those days when…
i want to touch your face and tell you, ‘Everything is going to be all right.’

Today is one of those days when…
i wish it were me He is in love with.

Today is one of those days when…
i’d like to shake her and tell her to wake up, before it’s too late.

Today is one of those days when…
i understand there are loves, such as his – worth fighting for.

Today is one of those days when…
He needs to hear that He deserves to be happy and it isn’t his fault.

Today is one of those days when…
i hope that somehow, he finds some comfort and peace in his memories.

Today is one of those days when…
i would fall silent if that is what i thought he needed.

Today is one of those days when…
i whisper quietly to let him go, so he can move on.

Today is one of those days when…
Anything i have to say will seem inadequate.

Today is one of those days when…
i wish it were easier for me to reach out to you.

Today is one of those days when…
Even this writing makes me feel over-exposed and vulnerable.

Today is one of those days when…
i want to hold your head in my lap and stroke your hair until you calm.

Today is one of those days when…
i would disappear if that is what it takes for him to be free of guilt.

Today is one of those days when…
What i want more than anything, is to be there, with You.

Today is one of those days when…
i wonder how one can love another so very much and not be able to tell them.

Today is one of those days when…
i need him to know that he owes me nothing.

Today is one of those days when…
i am deeply grateful for what he has given, so freely and unselfishly.

Today is one of those days when…
You need to know that i respect you – your need to protect, through distance.

Today is one of those days when…
i think it would have been better had He not made me want to live again.

Today is one of those days when…
i question the legitimacy of ‘false pride’ and its potential to cripple.

Today is one of those days when…
i see His strength in His moment of weakness, and find it breathtakingly beautiful.

Today is one of those days when…
i demean myself for not being smarter, prettier, thinner and had something – anything to offer.

Today is one of those days when…
i would give him anything i could that He needs, if he asked it of me.

Today is one of those days when…
i know that if you could see inside my heart – all would be clear.

Today is one of those days when…
i want to say that to love me is ‘a risk.’

Today is one of those days when…
i want to leave this life (death) behind – and run to Him.

Today is one of those days when…
i contemplate my place in the world and feel it slipping away.

Today is one of those days when…
i miss seeing Him smile and miss having one of my own.

Today is one of those days when…
i cry tears for You, because when you hurt, so do i, but you’ll never know that.

Today is one of those days when…
i feel that this exile of longing will never end.

Today is one of those days when…
i ponder whether i truly existed, before Him.

Today is one of those days when…
i feel as though i am breaking apart.

Today is one of those days when…
You need to know, ‘I Love You.’

***

Today is one of those days that I wish I had ‘a love’ to say these things to, and in a way, I have.

If i Will You

•February 2, 2010 • Leave a Comment

If i let you see me,
will you turn away
with regret?

If i let you see me,
will you feel remorse,
or revulsion?

If i let you see me,
will you understand
why i hid myself away?

Thorns

•January 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

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No warning
Hair yanked
Thrown to the floor
Jerked up
with force
onto knees
Crying out
Savage pleas
Gag to muffle
Biting down
trembling
drooling
wild
eyes

Wrists
lashed
and raised
hooked on
the pulley
Lifted onto
flat of feet
Clothing
cut away
torn away
shredded
discarded
exposed
naked
open

Heavy breath
Hotter hands
Heaving chest
salted tear
escapes
and he
smiles;
one i can
only feel
His boots
kicking
legs
opened
apart
Clinking
of metal
snapping
into place
Spreader bar
shackled
Lifted onto
balls of feet
Head pulled back
He licks
the tear
Bites
Down

Retreats …
From the
Quiet
He watches
Distanced
Evaluating
Alone with
my own sobs
Choked sobs
Drooling
uncontrolled
down
my chest
Thighs
Slick paths
of humiliation
He waits …
Contemplates
Gravitates

Closing in
His smell
penetrates
Reticence
Kiss on
shoulder
Shudder
Mind races
Squirming
Needing
His hand
so warm
as He
Slaps
my face
Calm voice
whispers
Unworthy
Good for what?
Deserving
Spinning
Crying
Needing
Wanting
Dazed
Calming

Turning
He is there
Kisses
my lips
Tenderly
Nostrils
flare …
Inside
Smell
of roses
White roses;
Twelve
The thirteenth
is Red
He places it
in a vase
Long stems
Thorns
intact
Punishment
Falls

Unbearable
Stems of Torment
Whip
through the air
Piercing
tearing
scratching
petals
float
drop
like blood
staining
velvet
etching
failures
into my skin
His teaching
embedded
under
surrendered
Into
unmarked
sacrificial
flesh
Dripping
Cold sweat
Breaking

Sinking
Deeper
Blasts of white
Streaks of
Lightning
in my head
Behind
closed
lids
Dimmed
Screams
Twists
Turns
Fruitless
Falling
Vertigo
Tumbling
Shocks
of Blue
Ignite
red-hot pain
Dulling
chemicals
serenity
Distant voice
in my ear
Starts ringing
He is there
Inside

Rising
Floating
Lost count
Butterfly
kisses
of thorns
embedded
Pushed
deeper
Another
Lesson …

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